Wish upon a passing track It doesn’t matter where you are Wishes always come right back To tell you there’s a glimpse of hope To tell you there’s a wink of fate To open your eyes to the chances Because “someday” may be
But last night I had a dream that I was holding my hand out in front of me, and with a screwdriver, I stabbed it into the tip of every finger, and dragged it down to the middle of my palm. Even splitting my bones into separate pieces. And I couldn’t stop myself for some reason. It was really scary. D:
Just a normal, emotional, irresponsible girl. And life gets kind of hard sometimes. Maybe even a little painful. Or kind of unfair. And I sympathize for anyone that has to deal with things like that. But it’s hard for me to sympathize for people who can’t find one thing right in their lives. It’s a lot easier to whine, cry and beg for the love, help, and attention of your friends and family before actually dealing with it on your own. And that’s also a pretty good way to lose them. I learned that the hard way about two years ago. Contrary to popular belief, I think that bottling things up and forcing yourself to get better is just a part of life. You can’t depend on everyone else to come to your rescue. I actually think that’s a lot healthier that way. And surely a lot less bothersome. You just have to remind yourself that you’re going to be okay someday. Otherwise, I don’t think you will be.
I feel very selfish. Because I’m so completely jealous of Kenny and all of his friends being in Fraser Singers together, getting close, and going on trips that it brings me to tears. And instead of being happy for him like a good girlfriend should, I feel upset that he misses something that I’m not a part of. And I feel like I shouldn’t be a part of. I feel like Fraser Singers is turning into something that is just for him and his friends. And when I get the opportunity to be in it, I won’t actually be accepted. Everything will be awkward, because he’ll try not to pay too much attention to me because I’m his girlfriend. His friends only know me as his girlfriend. In fact, some of them don’t even acknowledge me when they see us walking together. And I feel bad, because I feel like Fraser Singers is something that’s special to Kenny. And like it’d be rude of me to just walk right in. But something that he might not know, is that I love to sing. I love to perform. I’ve never been very sporty. I’ve never been very outgoing, and I’ve never been very loud. But when I sing, none of that really matters. And being a part of Fraser Singers is something that I day dream about. I have to do something with my high school career other than go to school and come home everyday. I want to be a part of something, too. I want to be accepted. I want to travel around the country and do the thing I love with people I love. And most of all, I want Kenny to want this for me. I don’t want to have to talk him into being okay with it. He should just wish the same great feeling that he has for me, too. I really hope this post doesn’t upset anyone, but I feel like this is a publicly acceptable post. Time for bed again.
Unfortunately. In the least creepy way, I really miss seeing Dan all the time. I miss getting calls from him at 8 in the morning demanding that I come over and bring Kenny. I miss having the bond with them that we did. I miss the three way calls. I miss going up to Coney, and making “About Me” videos. I miss them pushing me around and giving me a hard time. I miss cuddlin’ with them. I miss not getting any sleep hanging out with them. I miss dousing myself in Febreeze. I miss being in pictures all the time, even if I looked like crap. I miss not having to make plans, because I knew who I was hanging out with. The whole situation of them not being able to hang out really changed a lot. I can’t help but imagine how different things would be if they were still allowed to hang out. It might sound weird, but I think that in a way, Dan and Kenny brought out the best in each other. They’d have these “bro talks” that I wasn’t allowed to know about. I think that they might have been a special friendship, even if it wasn’t special to either of them. Because it was special to me. When I was hanging out with them, I didn’t feel like a loser. They might not agree that they brought out the best in each other. But it brought out the best in me. I’ve never been so comfortable around two people before. Because of them, I became a lot more comfortable with myself. I’ve grown so much. And so have both of them. It just sucks that they had to grow apart, as well. The time that I spent with them, I never once felt anything but accepted, loved, and cared for. I may have even gotten a little cocky that I had such great friends. There were times that I would get a call from either of them just to make sure that I was okay. I mean, they sat in church behind my parents and watched me get confirmed into the Catholic/Christian community. Whether or not they were there for me, or just for the experience, it meant a lot to me. Everything about our friendship did. And I know this all might sound stupid to them, but they came at the best possible time. I was not doing so good. I needed good friends to push me out of my shell. And I didn’t get that. I got great ones. I had great ones. But none of that even matters anymore. Because even if Kenny were allowed to hang out with Dan now, things would never be the same. And that’s okay. Because at least I’ll always have the most important thing that they gave me. Which was a friendship when I needed one most. And I don’t think I can thank them enough for that.
[00:10] OhManItsKenJ: I still have the grass bracelet. [00:10] OhManItsKenJ: And I had a lot of fun today. [00:10] OhManItsKenJ: And you are great. [00:10] OhManItsKenJ: And pretty. [00:10] OhManItsKenJ: And I like you. [00:10] OhManItsKenJ: And you let me touch your knees and feet. [00:10] OhManItsKenJ: And you are incredible. [00:10] OhManItsKenJ: And you are adorable. [00:10] OhManItsKenJ: And so is kitty. [00:10] OhManItsKenJ: And I miss you right now. [00:11] OhManItsKenJ: And Katie Alyssa is probably reading this. [00:11] OhManItsKenJ: And I don’t really mind it. [00:11] OhManItsKenJ: And you are a sweetheart, because you always forgive me. [00:11] OhManItsKenJ: And even though I can’t give you chills or make your face red, that is okay with me. [00:11] OhManItsKenJ: And you have a soft face. [00:11] OhManItsKenJ: And your lips are cute. [00:11] OhManItsKenJ: And so is your mustache hair. [00:12] OhManItsKenJ: And you can’t tell me that it doesn’t exist, because I showed you. [00:12] OhManItsKenJ: And your knees are HOT. [00:12] OhManItsKenJ: And you are just a great girl all around. [00:12] OhManItsKenJ: And I’m really glad that I met you. [00:12] OhManItsKenJ: The end.