Twenty aspirin, a little slit alongside the veins of the arm, maybe even a bad half hour standing on a roof: We've all had those. And somewhat more dangerous things, like putting a gun in your mouth. But you put it there, you taste it, it's cold and greasy, your finger is on the trigger, and you find that a whole world lies between this moment and the moment you've been planning, when you'll pull the trigger. That world defeats you. You put the gun back in the drawer. You'll have to find another way.
Moisture burns on my raw, dry skin. Resentment feels like more of a lifestyle than a feeling. I jump at the slightest trick of the mind. Paranoia chews to the very marrow of my bones before my mind and eyes can find a compromise. I see things that couldn’t be and hear things that aren’t there. I can’t channel my emotions in the places I need them to go. I don’t know what to do. Sometimes I feel completely helpless to my emotions. Like they’re trapped in my body and fighting me to come out.
"Everything is beautiful."
I force myself to think beautiful thoughts. I drag myself to a place that brings me comfort, that makes me numb. There is only one person who could make me feel like something worth more than what I am. Who makes me feel like I’m not just wasting the space and polluting the air with my words. There is only one place I can go that no comfortable bed, no bubble bath, and no secluded area could ever give me the same satisfaction of. The place is with him. No eyes more inviting, no smile more distracting. The reason I believe in love and the good in people.
-to be continued because I’m too tired and I just want to post this-