It pisses me off that I can’t get it through my head that people are never going to be as nice to me as I am to them. I jump through hoops and bend over backwards trying to be friends with people who don’t give a shit. AWESOME.
To be honest, I've always liked your personality from 8th grade till now. You're a fun person and I wish we could be really good friends but I have no classes with you and I'm pretty sure you hate me..
Awe. That’s really sweet of you! And actually really refreshing. I am always looking for a new friend, and I’m sure I’m not close enough with you to hate you. Try talking to me sometime! Or even leave a message that isn’t anon! :3
The stains on this mattress are like the stab wounds in my back. They won’t go away, and I keep sleeping on them. Sometimes I wish I couldn’t feel anything. Not the warmth of another empathetic hug, or the pain of another cold remark. Not another tear in my hardest working muscle, or the cough in my hardest cry. You want to give me something to feel? Let me be alone. It’s the only thing I have to make this heartache seem real. It needs to connect. I don’t feel sanity. You were my connection to sanity. That’s gone. Neither of us are sane right now. I’m still swimming to get home, and my dream to kiss you like a ship wrecked survivor kisses the sand is still pulsing. God, help us. You don’t deserve this, and I don’t deserve you.
Every Thursday, I spend hours pointing my toes until it hurts. Ballet is by far one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. It’s really not for everyone, and sometimes, I even question if it’s for me. But after I get through every rehearsal knowing that I’ve improved even a tiny bit is motivating enough to go onto the next step. It’s a physical and mental workout, and it requires all of my undivided attention. It’s a combination of precision, musicality, balance, imagination, and determination. And to be honest, it’s really becoming something I’m passionate about.
You wrote something lovely about me on your blog, so I thought that I might write something back to you in response. The only thing stopping me from screaming in your face is everything I have going for me concerning Fraser Singers, and how people might react to this if at all. But this is my blog, and I’m mad. So I’m going to let you know how I feel. I have to get this off of my chest.
Let’s start with the core reason we are having this problem. If you knew Kenny, you’d know that he is one of the most independent people I’ve ever met. And he would never let me, or anyone else, tell him who he can and cannot be friends with. So of course he would pick you (or anyone) over me (or whoever he was dating) if he was asked to choose. Kenny didn’t stop being friends with you because of me.
You accuse me having started rumors about you, but you understand that we’ve never talked before. So that should solve that one. Honestly, if I even wanted to talk about you, I wouldn’t have anything to say other than I think you are extremely immature for your age. I have better things to do than sit around and start rumors about you and Jesse and Jake. Jesse and I hardly even talk anymore, and I hope to God that it has nothing to do with the rumors you think I started about you. Everything you hate me for is completely based on what you THINK you know. And you’re having so much fun hating me, you won’t listen to me or anyone else trying to tell you the truth. I honestly thought that it would be fun to hang out with everyone in Chicago, but now I see that there is absolutely no chance of that.
Another thing you should know is that I know Kenny wouldn’t cheat on me in D.C. with you or anyone else. I know the kind of person Kenny is, and I wouldn’t expect even you to do something so horrible. And I explained that to you already, and you agreed, so I don’t know why you’re saying that I “made sure” you and Kenny weren’t talking during the trip. You think that I’m some kind of insecure, jealous person. And I’m going to be honest with you, you are right about a couple things. I was jealous of you. But only for the fact that Kenny accepted you no matter how immature you are, and through all the sneaking you did behind his back to talk badly about me to other people. And you know, I am sort of insecure. I’m scared of losing someone close to me, just like you are. And I don’t care how different you think it is. I’m insecure about my body and appearance, just like you. It’s not like people aren’t going to tell me when they hear you telling someone that I’m too skinny. And as for the trip to Chicago this year, I don’t understand why you’d say something like that you think it’s going to be a bunch of drama. You go completely out of your way to avoid me, and I don’t even care where you are. Because I don’t really mind you. You don’t really get in my way. And I haven’t been doing any of the “drama” you say you’ve been putting up with, because I’ve obviously been trying to put an end to this for a pretty long time. You’re working yourself up over me for no reason, and I shouldn’t have gotten so worked up over you. I trust Kenny, and believe me when I say that I’m not worried about Kenny being interested in you in any other way than a friend. I was actually kind of glad he had new friends, but you could understand how that’s changed. I’m not going to tell you I’m sorry, because I’ve already done that. You want to know why people think you’re so mean and cold-hearted. Well let me tell you something. I can’t speak for everyone else, but this is the reason I don’t care to be your friend anymore.
However, I will say that I am sorry for everyone who is reading this. I don’t like to show my nasty side, but I had to do this for me.