School is really starting to piss me off. Here’s some reasons why.
Everyone thinks I’m a fucking prodigy, and that school isn’t hard for me.
Something that they don’t know is that I have struggled with grades my entire life.
No, that doesn’t mean B’s and C’s. I was getting D’s and F’s. I have never been book smart. Numbers confuse the shit out of me, I hated doing homework, I thought school and all of that was a waste of time.
Until I decided to stop being a puss and push myself.
When I started trying in school, I discovered that I actually have strong points. I have weak points too, but that’s normal. Not everything is unnecessary. I don’t hate school. I found that I’m not that great at math, but when I get help, I understand. Math isn’t as stupid and confusing as I thought I was. There’s a point to it. I found that my strong suit is English. I love writing, reading, and comprehending. I learned that I’m thoughtful. I have good ideas. Yet, it still takes me a good five hours to write a shitty paper. I am good at things now that I never thought I could be. I enjoy physics. I’m the worst math student in the world, but I enjoy physics. You can’t receive help if you’re not willing to help yourself. The teachers at my school try a ridiculous amount to make themselves available to their students. My English teacher has even made a Facebook page specifically for her English classes, a twitter, my Algebra 2 teacher has something set up that sends our phone texts to remind us to study a day before a test or quiz. We have a class called seminar that is an hour and thirty six minutes long to work on homework, see teachers that we need help from, or study for a test or quiz. NOT AT HOME. All of our teachers have e-mails that they are required to use, and that we can contact them to our leisure. We have four classes a day, all an HOUR AND THIRTY SIX MINUTES LONG, every other day. We are allowed to stay after school, and before school upon request if you talk to a teacher about it. Those teachers are begging you to try.
For some reason, people assume that because I’m quiet, listen to the teacher, and I put actual thought into my work, that I’m some kind of socially awkward weirdo who doesn’t do anything but think about school. When I’m put into a group, everyone assumes I’m going to do all the work. When the teacher asks a question, some people don’t even bother to answer when I have my hand up. I don’t talk in class that often. I figured out that that’s not why I’m there at school. Talking to people in my class about whatever is going on with people in our school or my own personal problems, the most simple way to put it, it’s completely irrelevant. It doesn’t matter. None of it. What matters is what you have in front of you. So most of the time, I sit quietly. Sometimes I talk to the people around me if I’m comfortable with the class I’m in, or if we have some free time or something. There’s a boy in my English class, and he won’t apply himself in school. We have been writing papers this whole year. Constantly writing papers. They’re not easy at all, but you have to give it a shot and push the words out. Even if it’s bullshit, the teacher will work with bullshit. If you don’t turn a paper in, the teacher has nothing to help you with. You MUST take baby steps. So, we’re sitting in class and the teacher tells us that we have another paper due the next class. The boy raised his hand and tells the teacher that he doesn’t know how to do it, she’s not explaining it enough, and that we can’t all “write papers like Bri.”
I wanted to punch him. While some might think that this situation would be a compliment, but I happened to take a lot of offence to that. Here it was again. I was pretty much being told that I get above average grades and decent work out of typically no effort. Why? Because I don’t sit around and complain about every damn thing we do. I don’t like getting homework. I don’t sit at home doing homework all damn day. I have to try. I try for my hardworking teachers, I try for my hardworking parents, I try for a better life and a better education, and I try just to push myself and see how far I go. And he isn’t the only person who’s made comments like that.
In my physics class, we have a “Word of the Day” every day. The word is not always related to physics, but mostly science related subjects in general. The point of this is to give us a broader word comprehension, and she explained that these were all words we would see on the ACT. In the beginning of every class our teacher asks if anyone knows what it means, and on occasion I’ll take a swing at it if I think I have any idea. For whatever reason, one of the kids in my class had a problem with this. He kept asking why we needed to know this, and my teacher was ignoring him. I figured he needed some enlightenment, and if he really wants to know, I really want to tell him. I explained to him that not everything you learn is going to be used in everyday life, but it’s better to know more than to know nothing. And not only that, but these were words we were going to see on the “most important” test of your life. The test that determines what colleges we get accepted to. The test that simply only exists to test your ability for comprehension, endurance, and basic skills. Why would anyone NOT want to be enlightened about it. And for this: I got called a “suck up,” “goodie two shoes,” and a “know-it-all.”
What the fuck is a human being if we do not try? What are we good for with no desire to learn and better ourselves? Why would be be given two hands, eyes, ears, a mouth, a brain with a huge capacity for them not to be used to better oneself or the world we live in. What are we for if we don’t want to learn, we don’t want to improve, we don’t feel like expanding the excuses our youth likes to call their “brains.” Without an education, you are not worth anything to this world. You can’t do anything for anybody if you can’t do anything for yourself.
It’s not what you look like that makes you hate yourself. It’s not your silly little imperfections. It’s not the little things people pick on you for.
When you hate yourself, it’s beyond the little things. Your physical appearance no longer resembles your inner.
No, your clothes could never be so black. There is no shade dark enough. What was is no longer what is.
When you hate yourself, it’s subtle and progressive. It’s surreptitious and everliving. Food isn’t good, so you don’t eat it. Sleep won’t come, so you don’t close your eyes. There’s nothing you want to do and so you don’t do anything at all.
You sit alone in your room. You can’t cry. You can barely breathe, so you hold your breath. Your body won’t let you hold it long enough. Gasp. Breathe. Close your eyes and don’t move.